"I Would Drop the Mic if I Weren't so Damned OCD"

I am a writer. I am a listener. I long all night for someone to click the light on and read to me since I'm not getting any sleep anyways. Hate and confusions are synonymous to me most days. I have a condition. Sure. But I AM a poet.

I like to read a loud. I'm trying with all my heart to master performance poetry. To read work that is worthy of my self and of my life's education. But I don't really. Not really. I know that I don't. How could I?

Those lights are so bright they make you sweat. I don't know if you've ever stood before an audience before. Your body does crap it normally NEVER does.

But you think you're brave. so, you step way to close too that mike that every one else has been spitting into all night. You grasp it to try and feel a little more comfortable, open your mouth and you begin to read to strangers your inner most thoughts in a way you've practiced a million times.

You want to rip into the things that really piss you off, to make things you feel people in your life over look and thrust it in the audience's face like a cold glass of water.

I want to talk about an isolated, haunted childhood. I want to write song lyrics about the way the word "freak" makes my air way close and my the colors of my childhood memories turn that much more bland. I want to preform poetry on the tips of my toes with my eyes shut and my neck stretched about how the advice of family members that are completely normal is inapplicable to my situation and when they judge me for being exhausted in a way they can't comprehend, I have to hate internally and then still choose to forgive them.

I want to say THAT. For painfully obvious reasons, I don't.

Psychics are a load of crap

I don 't know any other "psychics". I've done so much research it seems as though I'm re-reading the same things more and more as of late. One of which is that 90% of Psychics in "business" are complete charlatans.

I hate that that's true. It makes me resent myself a little bit. I hate that the most.

 If you know what to look for the way that I do, If you can see it in a person as easily as looking in the mirror, than I suppose it doesn't matter. I just resent it none the less.

I was born this way so I value the purity of Existence deep in every one of my bones. Those who drag the word "psychic" to the streets and light it in neon, well, it feels a lot like discrimination based off of stereo typing. Not that anyone will ever see it like that but to me and who knows maybe even others like me, it feel a lot like society would rather have a colorfully dressed charlatan than even try and conceive the idea of children like me existing as normally as anyone else.

Freaks Have Culture

I think I've said this before but no one is out there making a pretty penny off of childrens book or parenting books that revolve around children of my variety. I mean sure there's "Heather Has Two Mommies" and books for little tykes with disabilities. but for me there was nothing. I had the ranting of my Grandmother, the warnings and fearful glances from my mother, but for me there was just a hell of a learning curve.

I'm 18 these days. All grown up most would say. I go to college and everything ( everything except drive that is but shut up, Im working on it). The inner struggle now has a vocabulary and a root that I'm actively aware of. When i was a kid it was just tears and nightmares. There now seems to be a cliff I've been pushing my mother off of lately.

In her mind the struggle is over. It's done, she did it. She freaking raised a kid who was a Medium. Only, it's not. I've been neglected a culture that belongs to me. It's strange to think of someone having a culture that no one else in there family shares. But Psychics are not a new people or practice. There are cards and memorabilia that dates back to the renaissance. They had attire and beliefs and traditions. These days it's an over make uped woman at a carnival thats playing her part in an american tradition. But my point is that even THAT is apart of my culture.

I've been absolutely forbidden to play with ouija boards, so I'm not even going to bother trying to push that, but the other parts of my culture are just waiting around for me to take part in them. I have a culture of freak shows and classic crystal balls (even just for decoration), tarot cards and side show cultures.

All I'm saying is I'm old enough now to realise I don't fit in with normal people because I've got a culture of my own that already exist for me.

Freaks have culture.